It all kicked off back in November 2024 because, apparently, my body decided it wanted to star in its own medical drama. First, I was told I had a congenital heart condition and ischemic heart disease. Lovely combo. By December, I was sitting in front of a cardiologist who calmly informed me I’d need stents, which they’d pop in at the end of January. You know, just in time to ruin any New Year “new me” enthusiasm.

Around this same time, I mentioned to The Worrier (also known as Hugh the Husband) that I had a weird little lump on my neck. Naturally, he reacted like I’d grown a second head and marched me straight to the doctor. The Old Family Doctor (a man who has put up with me for 25+ years and, quite frankly, deserves a medal) sent me for an x-ray, thinking maybe the heart was to blame. X-ray came back squeaky clean; lump still very much there.

We carried on with our annual holiday to Gran Canaria of sun, sand, martinis, ogling and absolutely no thoughts of neck lumps allowed. By the time we got home, the lump had levelled up. It was no longer a “little odd bump” but more of a casual golf ball chilling beside my jugular. Still not sore. Still not tender. Still extremely unwelcome.

The Worrier immediately shoved me back to the doctor’s office, but The Old Family Doctor was off duty, so I was handed over to The New Doctor. This man took one look at my neck and said he was referring me to the hospital. He then added, far too casually for my liking, “I have to be honest… this doesn’t look good.”

Excuse me? Who says that? Was he practicing for a role on Grey’s Anatomy? I left thinking he was a sandwich short of a picnic. I went home, ranted to The Worrier about his bedside manner, then promptly shoved the whole thing to the back of my mind and got back to work. Because obviously, that’s how you handle a mysterious medical golf ball.

SPOILER: The New Doctor becomes the New Family Doctor and is one of the nicest, kindest men I know. He and the Old Family Doctor are on a pedestal. So is Wonder Nurse from the GP surgery but you won’t meet her for a while yet.